God created the heaven and the Earth? No. Probably not. I have no idea who wrote this verse, but it seems like the author genuinely had no fucking idea how the earth came to be, and really had no interest in exploring any other possible explanations. Christians will tell you that the guy who wrote this book was the Hebrew superman Moses, but Christians will also tell you that Moses in fact documented his own death and that the same God who majestically created our universe, is predominately concerned about the comings and going of everyone’s toilet parts. Christians really cannot be trusted for reliable information. Their KJV bible(s) is/are terrible.

I find it difficult to blame some scribe, with an awesome ZZTop beard, 2500 years ago for not coming up with a more elegant explanation of our genesis. I have an easy time, however, ridiculing the people that chose to accept this verse as the irrefutable evidence as to how we came to be. To give credit where credit is due, besides having what I imagine to be incredible facial hair, this author has delivered one of the best opening hooks of all time, rivaled only by Mellville’s “Call me Ishmael” and Snoopy’s “It was a dark and stormy night”.

“In the beginning”, is also the point in the bible where I think most readers punt on the idea of reading the bible and just decide to tell people that they read it. I think once we get past “In the beginning” we can all agree that the most everything else in the KJV is in fact shitty, and holds no value for its readers. Pointing out the flaws and contradictions in the KJV could probably by aptly handled with a blindfold and a dartboard. The challenge that I want to embrace, is to rework the KJV so that Christians could actually present something reasonable to non-believers. I would love to give Kirk Cameron a chance, he seems to try so hard to say so little. So how do we rewrite Genesis 1:1, making it enticing to atheists, entertaining to believers, less assholey, while keeping the amazing hook “In the beginning”? Here goes…

God began filing the proper paperwork, to begin galaxial construction? That sounds more realistic, but unless the first hell was in fact a zoning commission office, I am not hopping on that trolley either. I have often thought God could be presented as a more sympathetic character if the first few chapters of Genesis dealt with God’s struggles with the local red tape and bureaucracies. We can all relate to the logistical nightmare creation would have to be, for example; the firmaments (whatever those are) getting delivered to the wrong place, the bitch in the Accounts Receivables department of the birds and creatures factory double billing on October’s statement or the angel union shutting down production on the sun. As fun as this would be to write, it probably isn’t something worth reading…  So we then try…

God, woke up, promptly shit the bed and then spiraled downward out of control from there, ever and ever Amen? Oh Hallelujah! I could shine my shoes, slick back my hair every Sunday and from behind a pulpit, scream at my flock about the majesty of our bed-shitting creator, and how he constantly amazes us every day with a new and previously unimagined bed-shitting. I would not expound on his omnipresence, omnipotence or his omniscience. Instead, I would preach and teach about how our lives are pissed and shit upon by a shitacular god, created in our image, who does not have the compassion or ingenuity of those purported to be created in his image. I could preach that, but I would never believe that. So…

Bam? That’s better…

Boom? Almost there….

BANG!! Amen. (See what I did there?) That is all that ever needs to be said on a Sunday about the creation of our universe (we have football to watch!). I am sure a bunch of nerdy scientists will eternally argue about the size of the bang, what font the bang was in and how many exclamation points were used, but that shit is boring and way beyond my attention span.

This Sunday and for many Sundays, ever and ever Amen, there will be a lot of people filling their ears and heads with the shitty verses of the King James Version shittily compiled in 1611. If you have read this sermon so far, I appreciate that. I am so grateful in fact, I’d like you to take the next Sunday, listen to a Jethro Tull album, watch a football game (bet on the Steelers and lay the points) or just look at the stars and realize that once upon a bazillion years ago the collection of atoms you currently consist of once belonged a star long since gone.

Consider Genesis 1:1 deshittified as “In the beginning, BANG!“.

As Always, Taking Shallowness to New Depths,

The Rev.


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